A man, although he may not be consciously aware of it, can be disabled by a fear which probably took root in the Oedipal stage of childhood but which now emerges as fear of failure, getting his partner pregnant, or of catching VD or AIDS. Consciously he may think he is just over-excited but he may experience difficulty erecting; a loss of erection; ejaculation prior to penetration or as soon as it is accomplished; an inability to penetrate; and so on. One way or another intercourse is thus avoided. The only sensible advice is not to worry, to accept that such problems are commonplace, and to keep on trying. Prior masturbation to orgasm steadies the nerves of some and, given that a young man can erect again quickly, he can have a second attempt.
Similar apprehensions sometimes afflict girls. If a girl is too tense the muscles around the entrance of her vagina contract making penetration difficult, painful, or even impossible. The techniques mentioned for dealing with painful intercourse in the ‘Sexual Difficulties’ chapter will be useful at such times.
Girls can help themselves before first attempting intercourse by using tampons, thereby breaking or stretching the hymen. Some use their fingers (or similar objects) in the vagina as a part of masturbation, accompanied by fantasies of being penetrated. The entrance to the vagina can be very tight in an inexperienced female but, unless she is unduly afraid, stretching the area is usually a pleasurable sensation.
Fears of intercourse can be so excessive in some women that penetration is never achieved. Any attempt leads to closing the thighs, arching the back and screaming. Such women often marry men who have their own anxieties about intercourse and after many years of marriage the women are still virgins. Usually it is their desire to become pregnant which brings them to the notice of the medical profession.
These are extreme cases with underlying serious psychosexual problems which do not affect most women. The perfectly normal apprehensions and fears of virgins about to undertake intercourse can be overcome by the techniques of adjustment mentioned earlier under ‘Courtship’ and by setting the scene suitably. For example, contraception should be sorted out prior to first intercourse; a location where disturbance is unlikely should be selected; sufficient foreplay to induce copious lubrication should be undertaken (or KY jelly used to reduce friction); and the woman should be so sure she wants to do it that she is eager and excited about it. If these ‘conditions’ aren’t met or nearly met it is best to remain at the level of mutual masturbation for a further period of time.
The young can be very disappointed with themselves and their early intercourse experiences. Although intercourse may be natural it is, like everything else in life, also a skill which needs mastering. Due to the anti-sexual nature of our western culture it takes most couples time to overcome their underlying fears and embarrassments. On average it seems to take about five years to become proficient at sex, even with a helpful partner.
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